Real tech stories. Really shaky analysis.
The tech news was just about as varied as can be last week, with topics ranging from playing Pokemon Go to stock prices affected by Pokemon Go to the cost of playing Pokemon Go to the fitness benefits of Pokemon Go to the social benefits of Pokemon Go. And Apple is doing a TV show. To find the creator of the next Pokemon Go.
For the week of July 11 – 15, 2016…
And There Is A Lot Of Swiping
Pokemon Go, in just four days, was installed on more Android devices than Tindr. Of course, they are very different apps. Though when strangers who happen to be on Team Instinct come together on a moonlit night and fight a harrowing battle side by side to reclaim a gym from Team Valor, who am I to say where passionate emotions of victory may lead.
They Have The Best Job Ever
Oculus has filled all preorders for their Rift VR device. As the last of the preorders arrived at their destinations, anxious customers ran to meet the UPS drivers, breathlessly shouting the same question: “Where have you seen the best PokeStops?”
Excel-ent
Samsung is coming out with a four-terabyte solid state drive for desktops, which should be just enough to accommodate the spreadsheets of a UPS driver logging the locations of prime PokeStops.
Grassroot Campaign
Twitter reached a deal with CBS to stream both the Republican and Democratic national conventions. Meanwhile, the Green Party has stepped up negotiations with my neighbor, who is sure his new GoPro is really going to boost his Periscope game.
The Town Elders Are Satisfied, Though
The Samsung Galaxy 7 Active, in testing by Consumer Reports, twice failed to live up to the claimed ability to survive thirty minutes submerged in five feet of water. “Bah, I could do that standing on my head,” said Hester Lovejoy from beneath the 1783 headstone on her Salem, Massachusetts grave.
The Last One Shrunk And I Looked Ridiculous
It wasn’t all favorable news for Pokemon Go this week, as maker Niantic was found to have obtained access to users’ entire Google accounts. Niantic executives claimed this was not intended and was merely an oversight. Oh, really, Niantic? Then maybe you can explain the half dozen emails I just got trying to sell me an adult size Jigglypuff costume? I’m serious, can you explain? Is it comfortable? Does it have to be dry cleaned? Will it stand up to daily wear? Are the colors accurate? I have a reputation to uphold.
We Shared A Cartridge With Mario, Damn It
Following the release of Pokemon Go, Nintendo’s stock price rose 24% in one day, the largest single-day jump since 1983. The 1983 surge was fondly recalled by a couple of friends at the Nintendo Old Game Characters home:
“1983. Those were the days, weren’t they?” said Duck Hunt Dog, looking down the sofa at his old friend Duck Hunt Duck.
“I guess,” replied Duck.
“You guess? We were hot stuff then. We ruled the video game world. We were the reason Nintendo stock went rocketing through the roof.”
“We weren’t out till ’84,” said Duck.
“No, it was ’83.”
“April 21, 1984 in Japan, August 15, 1985 in the United States.”
“You sure? I swore it was ’83. Well, anyhow, there must have been a lot of talk about us in ’83 in anticipation of our arrival in ’84. That’s what goosed the stock price.”
“No, actually–”
Then Duck Hunt Dog ended the disagreement the way all disagreements between these long time friends ended, by grabbing Duck Hunt Duck’s neck in his jaws, thrashing him about the rec room for thirty seconds–knocking over a lamp and one of the twenty-seven statues of Super Mario–and finally flinging him into the corner next to the TV and snickering while covering his mouth with both paws while slowly ducking back behind the couch.
That Crazy Dave Is Crazy
Xbox Live will support high-quality Twitch streaming. This refers to video quality only. Content quality is still a crapshoot. Not much they can do about the guy shoving nachos in his mouth while espousing his killer strategy for dominating Level 1 of Plants vs Zombies.
But Apple Gets 30% Of Their Winnings
Apple’s first foray into producing original content is going to be called Planet of the Apps–a reality competition in which contestants, one assumes, compete to code the best iOS app while also whipping up the most accurate facsimile of TGIFridays Breaded Deep-Fried Cheesy Bacon-Wrapped Bacon Cheesesticks.
Did You Know The Dryer Has Three Heat Settings?
Warner Brothers reached a settlement with the FTC for paying YouTube influencers for favorable video game coverage without announcing the payments. On the face of it, it sounds bad, but it’s pretty much the same deal I have with my wife regarding the Weekly Tech Views. Although no cash changes hands, I’m suddenly doing an awful lot of laundry while her index finger hovers over the “Send” button of a tweet ripping the Weakly Dreck Spews.
You’re On!
Valve is issuing Cease and Desist letters to third parties using Steam’s API to enable gambling. This fails to address the larger gambling problem of me buying seventeen games during the Steam Summer Sale and betting that I’ll ever play three of them.
Game Over Man
T-Mobile will start offering customers free data when they are playing Pokemon Go. In other news, AT&T, Verizon, and Sprint thanked their employees for all their hard work, wrote them nice reference letters, and provided maps to the nearest unemployment office.
The “Lightning Never Strikes Twice” Theory
Music service Rhapsody is relaunching as Napster. “Great idea!” said Best Buy as they changed all their signs to “Circuit City.”
All You Have To Do Is Record It, Slow It By 95%, And Listen
The FDIC was found to have covered up hacks to their system in 2010, 2011, and 2013. “Nonsense,” said the FDIC. “We announce it at the end of every banking ad on the radio. Listen: DepositsinsuredbytheFDICuptoonehundredthousanddollarsohbythewaywewerehackedthreetimesinfouryearsrecentlybutdon’tworryaboutitwe’reprettysureit’sundercontrolnowalthoughthreetimesinfouryearsprobablydoesn’tmakeyoutooconfidentaboutthatohwellgoodthingnoonelistenstothispartoftheadokaybye.
So That’s What It’s Like To Burn A Calorie
The Pokemon Go app is getting an average of thirty-three minutes of daily use, higher than Facebook and Snapchat. And while it is not classified as such, causing thirty-three minutes of even casual strolling makes it, sadly, the most successful fitness app in history.
Remember 2015? Of course not, nobody does. But you can relive the comically inaccurate tech analysis of that bygone era with The Internet is Like a Snowblower, now for just $.99. And not 2015 99 cents, that would be worth more like $1.01 today. No, this is a measly mid-2016 99 cents. Bargains don’t come any bigger. Grab one here!
Vacationing next week, so strap in for a Weekly Tech Views Classic–it’s the drunk uncle who won’t stop telling the same old jokes edition!
Mike Range
@MovieLeagueMike
Weekly Tech Views by Mike Range is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.