Real tech stories. Really shaky analysis.
Welcome to the Weekly Tech Views–the widely proclaimed egg nog of technology writing! If the eggs had been left out on the counter overnight and that slightly “off” taste covered up with extra rum!
For the week of December 5 – 9, 2016…
The Family-Size Bag Of Chips Is The Real Problem
Amazon opened Amazon Go, a physical convenience store, that lets customers scan a QR code on their phone to get in, grab some snacks or a sandwich, and just walk out, knowing they will be automatically charged for what they’re carrying. This astounding technology does beg the obvious question however–“How easily can I retrieve the roast beef-and-Swiss I put in the hoodie of the guy walking out of the store in front of me?”
Break Out The Virtual Canned Air
Artificial intelligence company OpenAI made public their Universe interface, which lets an AI use a computer like a human by viewing a screen and using a virtual keyboard and mouse and getting a half-pound of virtual potato chip crumbs between the virtual keyboard’s keys.
I Wake Up In A Cold Sweat From The Leather Sport Seating Flashbacks
A car thief was apprehended when the car’s maker, BMW, remotely locked the man in the vehicle. Congratulations, of course, go out to the thief for the upcoming traditional multi-million-dollar claustrophobia-induced PTSD lawsuit victory.
What If We Use The Bingo Machine Next Week?
Bitcoin reached its highest value on the iBit exchange in nearly three years at $774. Some analysts believe this can be attributed to the recent shortage of cash in India, but those of us more familiar with the basic concept of Bitcoin understand the true influence is 7-7-4 coming up on the secondhand lotto machine they utilize at iBit headquarters.
NBC Claims Breaking News Pointless!
NBC News is shutting down its Breaking News app due to its lack of revenue generation. “Revenue? Have you tried a Faking News app?” asked Facebook.
Why Are They Saying We Should Call It The Alanis Morissette Update?
With 133,000 Galaxy Note 7s unaccounted for in the United States, Samsung will push out an update that will prevent charging of the devices, essentially bricking them. “Yes, as a matter of fact, we do know that fire is used to make bricks,” said every Samsung employee in response to everyone they know.
Our Lawyers Assure Us Data Charges Don’t Count As In-App Purchases
Nintendo announced that players will need an active internet connection to play the highly anticipated Super Mario Run mobile game. The company believes this unpopular move is necessary to prevent both piracy and more importantly, in a post-Wii U world, the unfamiliar and unsettling sensation of high expectations.
This also means that, in light of the huge demand for the NES Classic Edition–and its unfortunate lack of an internet connection–playing the any of the mini console’s thirty games will require the physical presence of a Nintendo middle-management-level employee (and while not officially required, letting him or her join an occasional game of Tecmo Bowl is considered good form).
Nature Abhors Good News For Samsung
In the latest turn of the five-year patent violation trial between Samsung and Apple, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Samsung did not have to pay a $399 million penalty for copying iPhone designs.
Said one Samsung attorney, “Finally! Something this year that goes our–”
“Don’t say it!” said the other attorneys.
“–way. What? What’s wrong?”
All across the globe, millions of Samsung POWERbot robotic vacuum cleaners chose that moment to increase their suction a hundredfold, tearing carpets from floors, yanking lights from low-hanging Christmas tree branches, and traumatizing countless small pets who’d been trained to ride on them in service of cute YouTube videos, before disintegrating and leaving behind, ironically, a large pile of dust.
There’s your weekly glass of smooth, creamy, festive tech news, well worth, one hopes, the significantly increased danger of intellectual salmonella.
Thanks to everyone who backed the Kickstarter for the Weekly Tech Views collection Tech, Please! While the goal wasn’t reached, I’m going to go ahead and produce the book and make it available within the next week in the more traditional manner. So if you thought you were done hearing about it here, take that.
Mike Range
@MovieLeagueMike
Weekly Tech Views: The Tech, No Logic Blog by Mike Range is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.