Weekly Tech Views (The Tech – No Logic Blog) – August 6, 2016

Real tech stories. Really shaky analysis.

With the Summer Olympics upon us, I feel compelled to point out that I am widely regarded as the Michael Phelps of tech blogging. Not so much because I’ve won all kinds medals for it (or any), but because my efforts also tend to be fueled by 12,000 calories a day. There may not be any medical studies proving three pounds of “extra-loaded” nachos are technically required to write a thousand words, but it’s worked so far.

 

But I Meant “You Entitled, No-Talent, Piece Of Useless Garbage” In A Fun Way
Instagram is allowing high profile users to manage comments by blocking certain keywords. In other news, traffic to thesaurus.com just jumped 23,000%.

The Adventures of Br’er Microsoft
Despite the deadline for obtaining a free version of Windows 10 passing last week, there is an extension for those using assistive technologies like on-screen keyboards or text-reading narrators. A Microsoft spokeswoman stated that “it is not designed to be a workaround for people who don’t use assistive technology and who missed the deadline.” She then added, “It’s not like we’re so crazy desperate to get everyone on Windows 10 that we’d play weird psychological games with our customers,” and then winked so hard the sound of her eyelid slapping shut could be heard in the next building.

Just Wait Till They Release The Galaxy Fibonacci
Samsung released the Galaxy Note 7, a mild surprise when you consider the fact that there was no Galaxy Note 6. Asked to explain the naming decision, a Marketing Department spokesman replied, “Well, when you look at the screen size, which measures 5.7 inches and rounds up to–okay, no, I mean… in many cultures, the number six has a connotation of evil…? No? Uhhhhh… research has shown that our cust–oh, hell, WHO’S PLAYING CATCH-UP NOW, APPLE?!

Welcome To The Family
Samsung also introduced the first update to their Gear VR headset–welcome Gear VR 7!

What About Yellow? Oh, And Ghost Shapes?
Instagram is adding Stories–the ability to share photos and short video clips that disappear after 24 hours. We take you behind the scenes at Instagram…

“So we can have temporary photos and videos, just like Snapchat?”

“Sure, nothing stopping us. There’s no law protecting ideas like that.”

“Okay, what are we going to call them? Snapchat has Stories; what could we use? Tales? Yarns? No, nobody’s said yarns since 1850. We need something catchy.”

“We can call them Stories.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope. No law protecting generic names.”

“God, I love this country! Stories it is! Say, can we–”

“We can’t call ourselves Snapchat.”

“What? Well, no… what… pfffft… why would we want to?”

“Okay. You were saying?”

“Umm, InstaSnapGramChat?”

Resolution’s Downside
Japan’s NHK will be broadcasting the Summer Olympics in 8K at public viewing stations around the country. This will definitely enhance the experience for viewers who can utilize the incredible resolution to discern whether a rower had corn flakes or frosted flakes for breakfast when he throws it up after three droplets of Rio’s insanely polluted Guanabara Bay arcs off of an oar and into his mouth.

If It’s Luck, Explain Why I’m Up Till 2AM Every Night Reading Blogs At FootballGuys.Com
New York governor Andrew Cuomo signed legislation making online fantasy sports sites legal, declaring fantasy sports not gambling, but games of skill. “Anybody got a problem with that?” asked the governor, lovingly polishing the Cuomo-nators – Northeast Governor’s League 2015 Champions-engraved trophy on his desk.

But Don’t Trouble Yourself With The Adventures Of Pluto Nash Link
Warner Bros. requested that Google remove a link to the BestOfStreamingVideo subreddit, which has a link allowing people to stream the movie Interstellar for free. Google declined the request, but said they might reconsider if Warner Bros. would remove any evidence that Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice ever existed.

Brace Yourself: Cable Company Angers People
The state of Washington is suing Comcast for $100 million in an attempt to recoup $73 million collected from customers for “near worthless” protection plans which promised coverage that wasn’t provided. The other $27 million is likely earmarked to compensate customers who uttered the words “disconnect my service” and were then forced to devote more time debating a customer service rep than they will spend talking to any member of their extended family in a given year.

We Never Knew It Could Be This Way
The average broadband speed in the US increased by 42% this year, with Comcast Xfinity leading the way with an average download speed of 125Mbps. “I’m not sure I understand–is that what they call a compliment?” said everyone who has ever worked at Comcast.

It’s Best To Ease Into These Things
The Strava fitness app added the Beacon feature, allowing users to broadcast their real-time location to up to three people. The feature is expected to be utilized by fit runners to, let’s face it, show off to lazy friends, by intermediate runners as motivation to work harder knowing that others are watching, and by beginning runners who can notify ice cream trucks in three different neighborhoods to get their Pop Goes the Weasel-playing rear ends(1) to their assigned positions and have those Choco Tacos ready.

 

(1) Not literally.

 

Movie Draft
Jennie and Tom have their mojo working now. Check out this CRUMDUM to see how things looked for them a few days ago. Which may be different than how they look now. Their Suicide Squad is making a buuuuunch of money.

 

And this is still a thing. Still filled with nonsense. Still at Amazon. Still $.99.

 

That’s all for this week. Time to tune in to the Men’s 400 Meter Individual Medley. And start fueling up for next week’s blog with a couple meat loaves.

Weekly Tech Views (The Tech – No Logic Blog) by Mike Range is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.